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 Untitled Pirate Story. [Rough draft, unedited at all]

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PostSubject: Untitled Pirate Story. [Rough draft, unedited at all]   Sun Aug 01, 2010 1:16 pm

I was found.. washed upon the shores of a rocky beach, sand filling every crevice, and with water in my lungs. The name of this land? Sakejima. Sake for short, for all that came were forsaken. At mercy to their own demons, and their own gods. They worked their whole lives, without ever questioning, or thinking about a change, other then the daily weather interrupting their job. That day I swore never to become one of them, dead inside.. I'd live, no matter what the cost. Better to die now, then to die wishing for a life of 'could-of's' right?


----

So here I was, laying on this beach. Unconscious, lungs full of water. That was the first time I'd ever seen Katherine. She came to my aid, pulling me off the rocks, and to the nearby cobblestone walkway, which to my amazement was achieved swiftly, by such an elegant young woman. As she knelt, a worried look on her face, her flowing black hair covered her slightly freckled face. The dress she wore, was long, blue, and white.. torn in places, stitched back up in others.

I was about to pass out again, thinking it was a mirage. But she strolled to the edge of the fiery sea. It matched the rough color of her dress, as she filled up a small glass. I didn't see her walk back. Passed out again I suppose.

----

The light stirred in my face. It was the sun, shining on the porch of a wooden shack, deep within the sandy jungle world of Sake. I tried to think of where I was, what my name was, why I was there, and I sank into the desolate world of thought. Then when I remembered Katherine, I felt an utter need to get back to her. I walked through the couple rooms, finding little more then a dusty place, cluttered with average things.. as orderly as possible.

The trees shown with an aurora of color, against the light curtain of blue sky. The mattress in the second and final room, was bare, despite a single worn quilt. I walked back outside, pacing into the garden, taking notice of the perfect blue and white flowers nestled gently against the degrading wood of the cabin. Before I could stand up, and properly introduce myself, Katherine stood, right in front of me, as I lay groggy on the soft grass.

"Hi there, you were out for a long time." Katherine had said.

"Yeah, I figured, my head feels as if trampled by the hoof of a thousand horses." I'd answered.

She'd laughed, replying "How'd you end up in the sea anyway?"

I had raised up gently, befuddled.

"No idea…really…can't remember anything.." I managed to dump aloud.

She said, "Might as well get you cleaned up."

We headed back inside, and she showed me a small stairway, hidden behind the clothes in the closet. It was a small room, that stank with the smell of uncirculated air. In it resided a few small trunks, a mirror, and many, many cob webs. She told me I could open the chest to the right, the one closest to us, to see if any of her father's old clothes would fit.

I tried on a couple sets, some navy trousers, many button-down work shirts, and a jacket. The shirts were were your average, white working shirt, but the jacket mesmerized me. It was navy, with a bright white sash. The type of thing seen on rich folk.. not of a poor family living in a cabin. I was told not to touch the jacket, or any of the other contents, minus a pair of boots.

"Why don't you go out back, to the shed, grab some tools and work on the house a little? It could use a little fixin' up. Then we'll talk later, on the beach or something." uttered the female, more striking then the jacket.

I simply nodded, and headed off out back thinking of what we'd talk about, or what her name was, or where this place was, even! It got me excited, so I hurried through the duties of fixing the siding, cleaning the windows, and reattaching some cabinet doors. I even left the toolbox on the floor beside the first little homed sofa.

She had left a note, saying follow the cobblestone path back, and then just watch for the footprints in the sand. I was practically skipping, till I saw her. She was watching the waves, loudly bathing the grains of sand, for all the grains grounded from time itself. But she wasn't amazed by such a sight. Not even captivated. She was in a state of utter loathing at the roaring lion before her.

I sat down beside her, leaving a bit of room so she wouldn't be uncomfortable. She'd said, "You look like a fool, looking so dazed by it, you know."

"I guess I owe it, it didn't kill me when it had the chance." I'd whispered.

She'd laughed, thinking of all it had taken from her. "You know those clothes you have on?" she asked.

"Sure" I'd replied looking baffled.

"They were my fathers." she had snapped.

"What happened to him?" I'd questioned, nervously.

"He was taken away, by someone, the navy perhaps. They came at night, while he was on the beach watching the stars.. No ones seen him since." she forced each word out carefully, showing no pain, trying to be the strong woman she as supposed to be.

"Oh, I'm really sorry.." He said, trying to wrap his arm around, to console her, trying not too make it awkward.

"Not your fault, and I'm over it anyway." she spoke, regaining her inner confidence.

That night we sat there, not the sandy side of Sakejima Island, watching the sun set lower and lower until disappearing, taking the orange clouds along for the journey. The moon shined brightly, enough light to admire the perfectly flowing ivy, on the path back to the cabin. Neither of us talked.. we just strolled, my arm around her waist was the only thing keeping me steady from the astounding beauty of her gently face.

Her eyes were dark, battered as a stormy sea in the middle of the night, with flashes of black lightning separating the waters like an earthquake. I can still see those eyes, if I put my mind to it.

Anyway, we spent many many nights like this, working on the house, making our tools, and swords for the locals, and the island's militia, which was made of five men, carrying rapiers. In the end, they'd probably be able to provoke a few of the attackers, before falling in vain. Back to the story.. Well, we wandered aimlessly some nights, strolling along the sand, the rock, even the jungle at times.. wondering if life could ever possibly be better.

Then one day, as I was coming back from the smithery, I stopped. I had a chill run through my spine, that I haven't felt since. I ran, as fast, and as hard as I could, into our little cabin. It was dark, no moon light, no feeling, no sound. Nothing stirred, not a word. At that very moment, my heart lay thrashed and ripped by devils of Sake.

I fell to my knees and wept, for an hour, maybe two. Then I fell over, half from tiredness, half from delirium.


End of part one.


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PostSubject: Re: Untitled Pirate Story. [Rough draft, unedited at all]   Sun Aug 01, 2010 3:51 pm

L o v e.
You have an awesome way of using words to portray exactly what he's feeling.

Is there gonna be more?

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PostSubject: Re: Untitled Pirate Story. [Rough draft, unedited at all]   Mon Aug 02, 2010 5:11 am

6:04PM - 7.23.10 wrote:
L o v e.
You have an awesome way of using words to portray exactly what he's feeling.

Is there gonna be more?

If you want there to be Razz

thanks dude, I wasn't so sure about it Razz <33333

so, yeah, I might try a weekly thing or something


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PostSubject: Re: Untitled Pirate Story. [Rough draft, unedited at all]   Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:35 am

Definitely!

My only criticism would be that some parts of it seem to be a little rushed. Not awkwardly, but just enough to notice.

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PostSubject: Re: Untitled Pirate Story. [Rough draft, unedited at all]   Tue Aug 03, 2010 3:02 am

6:04PM - 7.23.10 wrote:
Definitely!

My only criticism would be that some parts of it seem to be a little rushed. Not awkwardly, but just enough to notice.

The dialogue? I read back and was like oh shit, it's reflecting back, I can't have convos, so I put had or contractions of it on basically every part of it. Razz

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PostSubject: Re: Untitled Pirate Story. [Rough draft, unedited at all]   Wed Aug 04, 2010 5:16 am

The only part that really stuck out to me was that she put him to work as soon as he wakes up from half-drowning.

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PostSubject: Re: Untitled Pirate Story. [Rough draft, unedited at all]   Thu Aug 05, 2010 2:09 pm

6:04PM - 7.23.10 wrote:
The only part that really stuck out to me was that she put him to work as soon as he wakes up from half-drowning.

I was sort of thinking that she'd be pushy, because she isn't used to being around men that close, so she's trying to avoid an awkward situation by putting him to work. Basically, she's trying to be the "independent woman" who thinks that becoming close to a man makes her pathetic. It was a late night thing like I said Razz

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PostSubject: Re: Untitled Pirate Story. [Rough draft, unedited at all]   Thu Aug 05, 2010 11:59 pm

I understand exactly where you're going with that.
What if you gave the main character an observation about her that encouraged that view of her?

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PostSubject: Re: Untitled Pirate Story. [Rough draft, unedited at all]   Fri Aug 06, 2010 12:05 pm

6:04PM - 7.23.10 wrote:
I understand exactly where you're going with that.
What if you gave the main character an observation about her that encouraged that view of her?

Hmm. Yeah, I'll probably edit it in later. Very Happy Thanks.

Any ideas on what you'd like to see happen next, as a reader?

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PostSubject: Re: Untitled Pirate Story. [Rough draft, unedited at all]   Sun Aug 08, 2010 8:22 am

Oh no, surprise me. If I see what I want to see, I won't be caught off guard.

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PostSubject: Re: Untitled Pirate Story. [Rough draft, unedited at all]   Mon Aug 09, 2010 9:10 am

Aight, it might be a while, though, since my computer tore up.. Mad


But I'll try, bro.

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PostSubject: Re: Untitled Pirate Story. [Rough draft, unedited at all]   Tue Aug 10, 2010 6:22 am

It's cool! Take your time.

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